Illustration

The Scapegoat Manager

 
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This is a story about poor leadership and blaming others.

 

In ancient times, a scapegoat was used to place the burden of blame and responsibility on a goat. This ensured the magistrate escaped the wrath of angry townsfolk, while simultaneously controlling goat overpopulation.

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Today, this same tactic can be used to ensure you fit in with the people you manage.

If you sense a policy or procedure will be unpopular with those you supervise, blame it on the higher-ups.

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As a leader, you must be infallible. If you make a mistake, blame it on any thing or anyone else, other than yourself. You’ve got a reputation to upholde. <—- Whoops, typo. Looks like my editor dropped the ball.

If you want to make it in this world, you have to be popular, and popular people don’t deliver bad news. Memos deliver bad news. Popular people deliver raises. And donuts.


IF THIS HAPPENS TO YOU

  • Borrow your manager’s stationery and send out fake memos with really bad news. Watch everyone scramble to place blame. It’s really fun!

  • Tell your manager you respect people who tell hard truths and stand by them.

  • Though this quality is frustrating, the best thing you can do is learn from it and be a better leader when you’re sitting in the bosses chair.

IF YOU DO THIS …

  • It’s not your fault, it’s that darn climate change!

  • Part of being a leader is delivering bad news and taking responsibility.

  • With great... umm... power comes great responsibility?

  • Accept responsibility for your successes and failures. You’ll find people appreciate this quality.

 
 
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Meeting Moguls

 
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THIS IS A STORY ABOUT NOT RESPECTING OTHER PEOPLE’S TIME.

 

You know it’s a great sign of productivity when you spend more time in your conference room than at your desk working.

Though you may never confront those whose lunches you’re eating, you’re helping them manage their weight! That means you’re kind of like their nutritionist. You should let them know who you are. Maybe they’ve been meaning to thank their mystery helper.

Some employees may complain that too many meetings interfere with their “workload”. Translation: “I’m lazy and I don’t feel like getting out of my chair.”

Just like second-hand smoke and nuclear radiation, employees need a daily dose of meetings to stay healthy, focused and happy.

Warning: Without those meetings to discuss meetings, you run the risk of decreasing the frequency of meetings which could result in fewer meetings. Prolonged neglect of a rigorous meeting schedule could lead to a more productive staff.


IF THIS HAPPENS TO YOU

  • Schedule a meeting immediately to discuss the issue of too frequent meetings.

    • Try saying something like this, “I bet we can solve this by doing ____. That way, we can keep our momentum on our other tasks.”

    • If you have a legitimate concern that meetings are interfering with your productivity, it’s worth bringing this up with your supervisor.

IF YOU DO THIS …

  • You’re only 10 meetings away from getting your free meeting with your value meeting punch card, keep it up!

    • When it comes to meetings, usually quality is better than quantity. If you find too much of the day is filled with meetings consider the following:

    • Make sure every meeting has a predetermined clear purpose.

    • Combine meetings.

    • Forgo some meetings and send important info in an email or through a business messaging app.

 
 
 

Fridge Raider

 

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S FOOD.

 

You work hard and you’re busy. You don’t have time to make yourself a lunch every day! But all that hard work can work up quite an appetite. Sometimes, when no one’s looking, it’s fun to explore the company fridge like a tomb raider hunting for treasure.

It’s a scientifically proven fact that sandwiches taste better when someone else makes them...

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...But desserts taste better when they belong to someone else.

Though you may never confront those whose lunches you’re eating, you’re helping them manage their weight! That means you’re kind of like their nutritionist. You should let them know who you are. Maybe they’ve been meaning to thank their mystery helper.

 
 

IF THIS HAPPENS TO YOU

  • Send a company-wide email: “Whoever took my lunch, please contact me immediately. It had medicine in it and you need to talk to a doctor.”

  • Contamination: place decoy food loaded with salt and/or other ingredients.

  • Set up a hidden camera.

  • You and other associates can work together to stake-out the kitchen.

IF YOU DO THIS …

  • Talk to a licensed professional.

  • Ask your parents for lunch money.

  • Watch the food channel and learn how to make your own meals. It’s easier than you think!

 
 
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TEMPLATE

 
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IF THIS HAPPENS TO YOU

  • Sample Corrective Text A

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IF YOU DO THIS …

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